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Haggard Cured! Now Completely Heterosexual, Thank God February 6, 2007

Posted by Dan in Must Read, Politics, Religion.

After only three weeks of “intensive counseling,” Reverend Ted Haggard, best known for doing meth with a gay prostitute, now claims to be “completely heterosexual.” Wow… that was close. Just one little thing remains unresolved…. Who the fuck does this guy think he’s kidding!?

Thats the first time I’ve ever used profanity on this blog, but in this case I feel it is completely warranted. Haggard (who will herein be known as ‘hypocritical asshole’) claims his homosexual behavior was just “acting out,” and “[not] a constant thing.” And now that he’s had a full 21 days to think it over, he believes that he has come to the realization that he is “completely heterosexual.” Well, sorry Ted, but I don’t buy it. Your own proclaimed religious beliefs don’t work that way.

But for the man who’s life has amounted to something of a lie, founding a church in his basement and expanding it into strip-malls should’ve been a tip-off that he was less than religious in intent. Of course, I could be wrong about that… I have never been a member of any evangelical church. Maybe massive, multi-million dollar “World Prayer Centers” with jumbo-tron screens, gift shops, telethons and convention halls are exactly what God had in mind when he sent Jesus to die for the sins of all mankind (that seems to be what Evangelicals believe and practice). But, if you’re also going to claim the literal truth of the Bible, then you think it to be the word of God, and those who honestly, truly and deeply believe in the literal God of the Bible do not disobey him with frightening regularity. At least, I know that if I believed in a God who was watching and grading my every step through life with the slightest mistake translating into an eternity of suffering in the fires of some Satanic Hell, I certainly wouldn’t screw anything up, ever. But, all religion aside, Haggard had millions of people looking up to him…. real people, real families with real children living today, and not thousands of years ago…. and in one fell swoop he tossed away everything he had ever taught them, good or bad. A man like that certainly does not believe in the God he claims to.

And now, to state that some deep and fundamental flaw in his character has been overcome, and that which his own friends have quoted him as saying is “genetic” has been removed by 3 weeks of therapy, is ludicrous. But in the spirit of fairness, here is what Ted had to say to his own congregation in a letter read by someone else:

I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment for all of you…. The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve been warring against it all of my adult life…. The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry.

-Hypocritical Asshole

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DENVER, Colorado (AP) — One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to “sexual immorality.”

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master’s degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn’t decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

“This is a good place for Ted,” Ware said. “It’s hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It’s like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.”

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.



1. Mike Taylor - February 10, 2007

Lying closeted homosexual. Be a man and come out.

2. Mike Taylor - February 10, 2007

Merle Haggard wouldn’t stand for this stuff

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